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I Made the Decision to Let Go, But that doesn’t make it Any Easier

“A woman is unstoppable after she realises she deserves better”      – Word Porn

My personal adventure of struggles and strengths which ultimately resulted in self-awareness and the development of self-worth is a complex story, full of every emotion you could possibly imagine, leading me to the realisation of self-respect.  The five stages involved in this valuable life lesson have been detailed below.

  1. Infatuation

From that very first time we met, it was clear I was more attracted to him.  Everything about him was practically perfect!  I had visualised us settling down together, dreaming of our long and happy future and basically letting my imagination run wild.  On reflection, I now can see these feelings weren’t reciprocated.   Too caught up in my emotions, I chose to ignore any red flags that were visible.  Looking back I feel like such an idiot, yet I still can’t help but miss him, love him and ache inside as I long for him.

Love at first sight?

Despite being in two serious, long-term relationships where I had considered myself to be in love, the feelings I experienced with him were of a completely different level.  I began to doubt if I had every truly been in love with a man until now.  I told him we fitted together like a little jigsaw piece!  Despite him saying I wasn’t his ‘type’, I often told him he was perfect for me – and I meant it.

  1. Love and Denial

Many times I wonder why my love for this man resulted in me excusing his comments aimed at my weight amongst other things.  I desperately tried to convince myself that perhaps he had low self-esteem as I did and was criticising me to help himself feel better.  I openly explained how his comments made me feel, giving him an insight into my battle with anorexia, hoping he would protect me from further remarks.  He cried and apologised which surely proved he loved me too, I convinced myself.

People will only treat you how you allow them to!

As time passed, I eventually began to listen to my instincts that were screaming this was wrong.  I discovered he had been cheating on me and everything fell into place – he was never interested in me.  I felt like such a fool as the realisation set in.  If he had missed me like I missed him, he would contact me, he would want to see me, and he would respond when I called.  Blinded by love, I made excuses for his lack of contact.  This was the first time I had truly felt rejected and I didn’t want to accept this harsh reality.

He’s just not that into me!

  1. Betrayal

As I bravely approached the topic of the cheating I was literally left speechless at his lack of ability to accept he was wrong.  Instead, he insisted I was to blame for not just ignoring it.  This was the final straw.  No matter how ugly I felt, despite my anorexia and self-hatred, regardless of my sheer disgust at everything about myself I felt strong enough to know that I did not deserve to be treated this way.

Reaching a stage where you can walk away from people who don’t respect you!

I still can’t believe it but I eventually walked away.  I scraped together enough self-respect to believe I deserved better, even with my extremely low opinion of myself.  My heart was shattered into a million pieces at the thought of losing him, even though I knew deep down I never really had him.

I didn’t want to leave him, in fact I genuinely loved him more than he could ever imagine.  But I knew this was the right decision although probably the most difficult.  I felt proud of myself for doing what I knew I had to.

  1. Tears and Mixed Emotions

For endless weeks I sat alone with tears streaming down my cheeks, feeling a whole mixture of emotions.  There was part of me that felt strong, enjoying my new found self-respect.  Feelings of regret and embarrassment were also present, along with deep feelings of hurt, my heart physically aching.  I missed this man so much and I had to use every last part of strength and willpower within me to ensure I didn’t run back to him.  Even until this very day I still find it impossible to forget him, knowing I can’t be with him, but struggling to be without.

Sometimes you have to reach absolute ‘rock bottom’ before you can pick yourself back up!

Having no friends or anyone to confide in has made this whole business of ‘letting go’ even more of a challenge.  The anorexia ensured I had isolated myself, pushing everyone away.  My new best friend became ‘Google’ as I frantically searched for answers that I will never truly have.  I have learned from my internet searches that I have done the right thing and that through time things will become easier.  Apparently there will come a point when I don’t have him on my mind every second of every day and when I don’t feel an eerie emptiness inside my heart.

You would struggle to handle me now, even if instructions were provided!

  1. Finding Positive in Every Negative

She needed a hero, so that’s what she became!

Thanks to my scarily intimate online resources, I have managed to realise that I am not a fool but instead a woman with a big heart.  I have learned to let go of my anger as the only person this negatively impacts is myself.  I am praising myself for being so strong and showing my self-worth, mentally replaying the moment I told him I deserved much better.

Never settle for less than you deserve!  Having self-respect is the most beautiful quality a woman can possess.

Rather than dwell on this heart-breaking, one-sided love which I fully invested in, I am determined to make something positive come of this situation.  Yes before you ask, I did get this idea from my new friend ‘Google’!  I am able to learn and identify where I would make changes if ever in a similar situation.  I am now aware of loves dominating ability to overlook warning signs and I’m clearer about my hopes and desires managing to overpower my willingness and ability to face reality.  These are valuable lessons I will keep with me for the rest of my life.  I feel stronger and will never again accept someone behaving towards me in this way.  From the bottom of my heart, no matter how difficult it gets or how lonely I feel, I can confidently state I would rather be on my own than with someone who doesn’t deserve me.

Once you become aware of your self-worth and value letting go will be the easiest, difficult thing you do.

I hope that after reading my struggles, both past and present, you become aware of the importance of having your own self-worth.  Everything I gained from my endless, lonely online searches has been valuable and will continue to provide guidance throughout my life.  Please never settle for less than you deserve and don’t feel pity for me, this is an essential experience that will be beneficial to me in many ways during my future journeys.

My online search uncovered the exciting Cinemabox  which I really enjoyed and would highly recommend.

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